Slowing down and letting go.

The other night, inspiration hit at 10:30pm.(What? This doesn’t happen to everyone?) This often happens to me, just as my body gets sleepy, my mind goes to work. Plans came together, lists began forming, ideas for creations came clear as day.Then a tiny voice was heard, my oldest. Since the age of one, Julien has slept through the night going to bed at 7:30 and waking up 12-13 hours later. Lately we have been sleeping to 8:30, or even 9. He is a great sleeper and unless he is sick or has a nightmare, you don’t hear from him. Noah, on the other hand, you hear from hourly, but that is another story.
 

I went in and he had had a nightmare. A realistic one and he was scared. I was lying in bed with him, my mind still racing waiting for him to fall back to sleep. It became obvious that he was not going back to sleep as he was pretty shaken up by this dream. My first instinct was to become annoyed, not at him, but at the bad timing of it all. Then I took a breath and told him I would be right back. I put my PJs on, brushed my teeth and hopped into bed. I let it all go. Why? Because it hit me that in a few years, maybe even by next year, he wouldn’t want me to snuggle up next to him. He is already so big and the days pass so quickly. So I let it all go. I told him all the wonderful things we would do over the next few days. I told him about all the adventures we had over the summer and I filled his head with loving, safe images, and then he fell asleep. I listened to him breathing and realized that my mind had quieted. The rush of creativity had past and I had missed all that it was set to present to me. It was ok, while I had lost the pattern plans and design images, I had gained so much more in those minutes spent in the dark with him.

When he was a baby, I used to love our nighttime nursings, just the two of us, the house dark, quiet and still. It was magical. The other night, I got a bit of that back and while he is now much bigger than he was, it was very much the same. I am so grateful to have had that moment with him. For me, these are the moments I hold close to my heart, these are the times I want to remember when I am old, these are the moments that clearly define what Motherhood is.